Are you a compulsive shopper?

When I'm stressed, the mall is all," confessed my friend Karen.  She owed $40,000 on her credit cards before she acknowledged her habit.

But did you know we can be compulsive shoppers even without piling up a big load of debt?

Olivia loved shoes and routinely bought five or six pairs at a time--but only on sale.
Dick called himself a collector, popular nomenclature for guys who delight in electronics, hardware, fishing flies and tools. Are you someone who has never seen a gadget you didn’t like?
Some moms shop compulsively--but only for their kids.
And how about the Santa Shopaholic who over-spends every Christmas?

If we don't buy for ourselves, and we manage our debt, it's harder to see shopping as a compulsion. But if you're starting to wonder as you start the new year, answer these 6 questions:

• Do I use shopping an “outing”? 
• Do I buy things I want but don’t need? 
• Do I frequently buy on impulse? 
• Do I shop when I’m feeling stressed, sad or lonely? 
• Do I feel a rush when I purchase something? 
• Do I go regularly to E-bay, Craig’s List, or QVC? 

The Shopper’s Prayer
Such glitter and pleasure in store aisles!
I pass one enticement; another appears.
What internal need does my shopping fill?
Is there a better way?
Little by little, help me see it, O Lord.

A Radical Idea

Here's one way to ease money worries: buy fewer things.

I discovered what this means in a very personal way. When I first launched myself as a self-employed writer, I wasn't at all sure I would succeed. As the sole support of a household that included three children and a dog, I knew I had to be frugal. So I began asking a simple question before every purchase: "Is this necessary for life or death?"

Try it next time you go to the store, even the grocery store where impulse items like candy and magazines lie in wait at check-out.

Here's the wondrous thing I learned: although my buying habits changed, my standard of living did not.
We had enough to eat. Household bills got paid. There was gas in my car. I merely gave up impulse items like shoes I didn't need.

I rediscovered the library. And thrift stores. And home cooking. It became almost like a game to discover how little I needed to buy once I asked that question.

"Freedom from want" took on a whole new meaning.
Try it yourself for a week.

She saves, he spends, He saves, She spends

Do you and your partner have different ideas about money? 

I read this humorous, insightful take on the subject: “There are two kinds of people in this world: those who enjoy saving carefully for the sailboat they plan to buy someday and those who buy the sailboat on credit so they can have the fun of sailing right now. Inevitably, the two marry each other.”

If money is an issue in your relationship, try this prayer for harmony, from my book GRACE ON THE GO: Powerful Prayers to Ease Money Worries:

“Dear God, my partner and I share so many values.
But money differences are driving us apart.
Help both of us realize that our spend-or-save choices
Are neither right nor wrong.
Just different.
Help both of us listen to each other’s point of view, and
Seek to understand it.
Help both of us agree on our financial goals

And help us find a middle way to get there,

Remembering that everything is a gift from our Creator

And must be cared for in harmony.”

Death and Taxes? How about Prayer and Taxes?

If "April is the cruelest month" as the poet said, then April 15 can seem like the cruelest day. It's the day we pony up and pay our taxes. I had a throwback moment myself--a moment of acknowledging some tough financial truths that made me gulp a bit... but I'm not going to fall into old habits of scarcity thinking.

Instead, I'm going to give thanks for all I have that can't be counted in coin...my good health, my family, my friends.
I'm going to consider all those things I tend to take for granted--roads and bridges and schools and programs that help the sick and poor--all those things that my taxes pay for.

And I'll remember this prayer to a benevolent Creator:
Extravagant God! Who scatters the stars like seed pearls across the night sky
You do not hold back form the universe.  I have faith you won't hold back from me.

Tempted to do something you can't afford?

Sometimes it is hard to say No to a fun event just because it's not in your budget. I love to bicycle and ten of my fellow cyclists are flying to Paris and then bicycling in France for a week. It sounded so wonderful, I immediately signed on.

But then...the cost of the trip began to go up. Air fare, the euro-dollar exchange rate, hotels in Paris...pretty soon it the cost was $1200 more than originally quoted. Part of me said, "Do it anyway! This chance won't come again!" Another part of me said, "You'll be broke afterward. It will take all your cushion."

So here's what I decided: I turned down the trip to France AND immediately signed up instead for a week-long bicycle ride in Wisconsin with some other bike buddies. The cost is one-tenth of the European trip

Okay, so I won't have Paris...but I'll always have Milwaukee. And Milwaukee is a lovely city with an outstanding art museum

Point being: If we stay flexible in our thinking, we can find ways to enjoy ourselves...and do it in an affordable way. There is always more than one answer. Instead of whining about what can't be done, follow my lead. Figure out what you can do.

When Fire Takes It All

While watching the Southern CA wildfires on TV and the loss of many homes, I thought about Marcia and Brad, whom I interviewed after they lost their house to fire. It burned to the ground, taking everything with it, but family members all got out alive, even the dog. At first, she was so grateful for their lives that Marcia could only say to herself, "We’re alive. That’s what counts. Thank you, God."

Then day to day reality set in.
For weeks afterward, she would start to say, “Oh, I’ll get the—“ and then stop, realizing. "It’s gone. Everything is gone."
Insurance replaced some of it. But none of the really important things could be retrieved. The family heirlooms. The kids’ baby photos. The letter Brad had written her on their tenth anniversary. And yet—

They were alive. That's what mattered. But at the same time, Marcia felt so sad. And guilty about feeing sad. "They are only things," she reminded herself.

Is it shameful to grieve over lost possessions?

Of course you grieve! While some objects can be replaced, others –the ones that hold family memories--are irreplaceable. Many circumstances can prompt the loss of meaningful personal possessions. A hurricane or tornado. A move into a nursing home. A mortgage foreclosure. A divorce.

If you should lose the important memorabilia of your life, give yourself permission to cry. You need to acknowledge your losses in the same way you do when a person dies.

The stages of grief must still be borne. Feelings of sadness are very real. Evenven when what we grieve are "only" possessions, we cannot really go forward until our griefs are honestly acknowledged and experienced--without guilt or shame.

DIsagree about money?

Here's a humorous take on money arguments between couples: "There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy saving carefully for the sailboat they plan to buy one day. And those who buy the sailboat on credit so they can have the fun of sailing right now. Inevitably, the two marry each other."

If you're in disagreement over money issues, Sit down with your partner and each agree to write a money autobiography. Start by describing your parents' attitudes about money. What did money symbolize to you at age 10? 15? 20? 30? Is it Success? Security? Fear? Lack? Desire? Power? Pleasure? Do you have a particularly strong memory, happy or sad, that involves money?

As you read yours and your partner's autobigraphies, you'll begin to see where your attitudes, assumptions, and values came from. It can help you understand your partner's seemingly erratic behavior around money; and can help each of you make some behavioral changes. In my GRACE ON THE GO book about money, I include this prayer:

"Dear God, my partner and I share so many values.
But money differences are driving us apart.
Help both of us realize that our spend-or-save choices
Are neither right nor wrong.
Just different.
Help both us of us listen to each other's point of view and
Seek to understand.
Help both of us agree on our financial goals
And help us find a middle way to get there."